Ayurveda & Yoga of Relationships: Becoming the Medicine
Through the lens of Ayurveda and Yoga, we know that everything we consume must be digested properly. This includes the obvious, like food and drink. It also includes the things we watch, listen to, read, and so on. And it for sure includes what we “take in” from the people in our lives, especially the people we spend the most time with like family, friends, and our co-workers.
But Western researchers also acknowledge the impact that our relationships have on our body-minds. So, let’s take a look at both perspectives and then learn what we can do to become the medicine in our relationships.
Let’s start with food and drink so we can then have a better understanding of how our relationships can impact us. In Ayurveda the foods we eat fall into three different categories:
1) positive
2) neutral
3) negative or poisonous
The foods that we eat can have a positive, beneficial effect on our body-minds. They provide the macro and micro nutrients that energize us, that act as healing agents for our body-minds. I think of fresh, real, whole foods as being, largely, positive. These foods are medicine. Of course we sometimes need to dig a bit deeper and look at foods through the lens of an individual’s unique bio-individuality which Ayurveda refers to as “dosha”
Foods can also be neutral which means that they don’t have an overtly positive effect on the body-mind. They don’t have an overtly negative effect on the body-mind. They don’t affect our health either way.
And then there’s the last category which can have a negative effect on the body-mind. I think of things like highly processed foods, which, to me, are “food-like” substances. They’re manufactured using foods that are so processed they don’t really resemble their natural state. They can also contain man-made, synthetic chemicals, things like artificial colors, sweeteners, preservatives, and trans-fats. These foods can take from us. They can rob us of precious energy. They can leave us feeling tired or wired. Belly aches and headaches aren’t uncommon. And, over the long run, they can create uncomfortable symptoms and even full-blown chronic disease.
A Yogic Perspective:
Through the lens of Kundalini Yoga we have 10 bodies. Nine of which are “subtle” bodies like our soul and electromagnetic field or aura. Three of those subtle bodies include the negative mind, the positive mind, and the neutral mind. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any aspect of our humanness. Every part of us, including the negative and positive minds, serve a much-needed and practical purpose. But the positive and negative minds are dualistic. By nature, that dualism allows us to analyze the information we’re gathering, to be discerning, and to find alternative options and ways of perceiving. Problems can crop up though when we react or make decisions from the dualistic mind rather than from the neutral, non-dualistic mind.
The negative mind is protective. It responds the most quickly to the info we’ve gathered. Its job is to let us know if we’re in danger, it’s the problem-solver. But when it unnecessarily acts from a place of fear, it can become insecure and confused, and it can cause an overreaction. If I’m crossing the street and notice that a car is rapidly approaching, I want my negative mind to assess the situation very quickly so my body can respond by moving out of the way before I get hit. The problem is that a challenging conversation with a loved one isn’t posing the same threat to my safety as the speeding car. I don’t need to respond that quickly even though in the moment it may feel like I must. The goal is to make sure that the mind is responding from a grounded and realistic place. A neutral place.
The positive mind is expansive. Once the negative mind has done its job of assessing and analyzing, the positive mind steps in to look for feel-good opportunities and rewards. It’s a risk-taking pleasure seeker. It can motivate us into action. An “eat your vegetables and you can have a piece of chocolate” kind of thing. Or a “Do your daily meditation and you’ll find peace in your neutral mind” kind of thing. Just like the negative mind is a necessary, practical aspect of our humanness, so too is the positive mind there for good reason. However, it can over-do it. That expansiveness can take us on a journey to fantasy land. Remember Pleasure Island? Pinocchio thought he’d hit the jackpot with the limitless treats and carnival rides only to find out that the place was too good to be true. Pinocchio hadn’t activated his neutral mind which led to some poor decision making.
“While independence and choice appear to be inherent in our actions, we are actually being driven by agendas which act faster than, and independent of, our conscious choice.” ~ Thought as a System by David Bohm, Theoretical Physicist & Philosopher
We can find true peace in the non-dual, neutral mind. And making decisions, including the choices we make when responding to our loved ones, from the neutral mind prevents us from reacting from a place of fear (negative mind) or a place of fantasy (positive mind). By nature, the neutral mind is just that… neutral. It doesn’t get caught up in the cacophony of voices demanding that we do this or that to protect our precious ego. The neutral mind has one voice. The voice of your soul, which is a place of non-attachment. This is important when we’re communicating with our loved ones because when we feel an “attachment” to the outcome, we’re more likely to push our agenda onto that person and we’re less likely to see things as they really are.
Can you imagine making everyday choices from your soul? Well, you can. And the neutral mind will get you there.
I believe the neutral mind is also the mind of compassion. How could it not be with that soul connection? And I have found that over the last several years, I’ve automatically defaulted to feelings of compassion during every challenging interaction I’ve been faced with. I no longer have to try to feel compassion for the other, I just feel it.
Change your Mind. Change your Brain. Change your Life.
Meditating with mantra doesn’t just change our minds, the practice also changes our brains. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain changes that occur in response to experience. There are many different mechanisms of neuroplasticity ranging from the growth of new connections to the creation of new neurons. This includes structural plasticity (changes in brain volume or synaptic strength), functional plasticity (adaptations in response to cognitive or motor demands), and neurogenesis (the creation of new neurons). Mantra-based interventions may enhance these processes by engaging auditory, cognitive, and motor networks synchronously. Mantra meditation (MM) is one of the simplest and most effective meditative practices suitable for both novice and skilled meditators. In other words, anyone can do it!
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~ Anais Nin
I’ve always loved that quote, but these days I believe it’s more accurate to say, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as our subconscious imprints tell us they are.” Which is one of the many reasons that Kundalini Yoga is such a powerful, practical technology. It serves to swap out old, stale, negative imprints or “stories” with fresh, new, positive imprints that serve us in our present and future lives. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to make important life choices under the influence of the subconscious imprints installed from childhood trauma.
So while a solid meditation practice, especially practices involving mantra, are transformative for everyone, those of us who have had major life-challenges beginning in childhood while the body-mind’s developing, can truly see extraordinary shifts in our inner & outer worlds that impact every facet of our lives. Especially our relationship to Self and our loved ones.
“If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Dass
Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe the whole thing is less about enlightenment and more about how we’re treating people. Even the people that we don’t like so much.
When we begin a new practice with the goal of creating positive change, we don’t know exactly where that practice is going to take us or if it’ll even work. Often times, we don’t feel just how much we’ve changed, grown, or evolved until we’re met with a challenge. Because it’s typically the challenges that can make us react in the same old way even when we think we’ve outgrown our old Self.
Here’s just one example of a deeply personal experience I had with the neutral mind in the recent past. A few years ago I reconnected with a family member that I had been estranged from for years. We made an agreement to a “fresh start”. I love a fresh start! And I went into this with nothing but happiness and hope for a strong, trusting relationship. However, several months in and we hit a snag. Nothing big. The kind of minor disagreement that people have every day. The problem is, that’s how things always started with this person, only to end in total destruction and then estrangement.
But this time was different. What was different? Me. I was different. Because this time I responded to the abusive email from my neutral mind. And this made all the difference. Of course I was hurt by her words. Really hurt actually, probably because my dog had just passed away two weeks prior. I was feeling particularly vulnerable. But my neutral mind, my soul, knew that her words weren’t her. They were her suffering, they were her defense mechanism. Every word of the letter she composed was selected by her negative mind, which was overprotecting her. Those words had nothing to do with my reality. And I don’t believe they had anything to do with her reality.
So, I responded from that place of peace, of neutrality and soul-reality. Point by point, I calmly shared my perspective, my reality. I received several more angry, aggressive emails to which I responded calmly and respectfully while chanting in my head “If you can’t see God in all, you can’t see God at all.” I’m kind of kidding. I don’t need to chant that anymore as it’s just become my default mode and natural way of seeing the world. It’s so easy to see God in puppies and rainbows and ice cream. Try seeing God in the person who just assassinated your entire character. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And it is beautiful.
Where did she and I land after days of this? Yes, I said days. Well, we aren’t estranged. She apologized for the abusive messages. I wholeheartedly accepted her apology and proposed that we have another “fresh start”.
See, the other thing about communicating from the neutral mind, and this is just my experience, is that it can diffuse even the most volatile situations. I added zero fuel to the fire she started and eventually the fire suffocated and burned itself out.
I share this because it’s just so profound on a deeply human and personal level. I share this because this technology is your birthright too. It is here for each and every one of us and it works.
The neutral mind replaces Self-doubt with a Self-trust that is unshakeable even under immense pressure from external sources.
Remember, diamonds are created deep within the Earth from immense heat and pressure. They don’t look like much until a diamond cutter shapes them, creating sparkling, faceted, valuable gems. We can take the “rocks” created by the pressure of our life challenges, cut and refine them with our meditation practices until they become our own personal diamonds of wisdom, which are unbreakable.
If you’d like to become your own “diamond cutter”, try the Silent Meditation to Center and Balance…
What does any of this have to do with our relationships?
Just like our dietary choices can have a positive, neutral, or negative impact on our body-minds so too can our relationships have a positive, neutral, or negative impact on our body-minds.
Real, whole foods are medicine.
I wholeheartedly believe that relationships can act as medicine too which means that we can choose to be the medicine in our relationships with others.
Several years ago I made the conscious decision to be the medicine in my relationships. I didn’t have solid role models in this area of my life. I had to start from scratch, learn, and work at relationshipping well. As with all things, it started with acknowledging that I had some weaknesses in this area. Releasing shame for past mistakes. Forgiving myself. And then putting knowledge into action.
The rewards have been immeasurable! I can’t overstate how life-changing this journey has been for me and my loved ones.
An example of a positive interaction with another human could be something like feeling acknowledged for the things that you bring to the relationship. Feeling seen. Or leaving a challenging conversation feeling heard and respected.
A neutral experience with a loved one can look like leaving an interaction with peace in your mind and heart. The experience didn’t trigger a stress response in your body-mind.
Negative interactions can trigger a stress response. We can feel things like a rapid heart beat, the hit of adrenaline, tightness in the chest and/or belly. We can feel flustered, anxious, insecure.
Most people understand that their relationships can have positive or negative impacts on their mental/emotional health. But research shows us that our relationships can also have profound impacts on our physical health. Just like our food choices, positive relationships can have positive effects on our body-minds. And chronically negative relationships can negatively impact our body-minds.
The health benefits of positive relationships. Positive relationships bring us comfort and pleasure. They also impact our long-term health in ways just as powerful as high-quality sleep, eating whole foods, and not smoking. Dozens of studies have shown that people who have social support from family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.
For example, researchers have found that positive relationships help to relieve harmful levels of stress. Another line of research suggests that caring behaviors trigger the release of stress-reducing hormones. Chronic stress can adversely affect coronary arteries, gut function, insulin regulation, and the immune system. So, anything that serves to reduce stress can help to prevent symptoms and health issues associated with chronic stress.
Research has also identified several activities that qualify as social support. So things like offering help or advice to expressions of affection. The evidence also suggests that the life-enhancing effects of social support extend to the receiver as well as to the giver.
On the flip side, negative relationships can negatively impact our physical health. We all know that chronic stress is one of the main root causes of chronic health issues. So it makes sense that relationships that include chronic emotional stress can negatively impact our physical health.
For example, a study published March 2, 2021, in the Journal of the American Heart Association, found that women who reported having high levels of social strain were more likely to have a heart attack or die of cardiovascular disease during nearly 15 years of follow-up than women who did not. Researchers asked women how many people in their life irritated them, were too demanding of them, excluded them, or tried to "coerce" them in their daily life. Based on their answers, the women were categorized as having low, medium, or high social strain. Those who scored in the high category were 9% more likely to develop cardiovascular disease than women who scored in the low category.
Another 2019 study, published by the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health, found that women who reported high levels of social stress had lower bone density six years later. The authors believe that stress may harm bone health because stress raises blood cortisol levels, which may be linked to bone thinning.
Identifying chronically negative relationships:
While your relationships with others may feel like they are outside of your control, there are things you can do to take them in a more positive direction. The first step is identifying a problematic dynamic. Challenging relationships typically come with uncomfortable symptoms that can include:
feeling burned out or depleted after interactions
having negative thoughts about the relationship
feeling like the relationship is imbalanced — that one person gives or takes more than the other
feeling that you are not valued or respected by the other person.
Tips & Tools For Healthier Relationshipping:
First things first… patience: Most people aren’t aware of the impacts their words and behaviors have on their loved ones or themselves. They don’t have the tools that are provided here. I always keep this in mind when I’m communicating with others. I can propose change to my loved ones, try to share the benefits of creating positive change in these areas, but I certainly can’t force change on them. I know it can be frustrating for those of us who put so much work into creating change for the benefit of ourselves and our loved ones only to be met with the “same old shit” in response. But I personally look at this stuff as another opportunity to grow my compassion and patience. This does not mean that I’m okay with being a doormat. I do have a zero-abuse policy that all of my loved ones are aware of.
Mindfulness can really help. My go-to question is Do I want to be the medicine or the poison during this exchange? When I leave a conversation with anyone, especially a loved one, I want to have either a positive impact or a neutral impact on that person/people. I make sure that goal guides me through my responses to whatever is given to me… positive or negative. I cannot control the other human. But I can control how I respond.
If I mess up, I make sure to acknowledge my mistake and apologize immediately, which can serve to alleviate the stress I may have caused my loved one.
Genuine apologies can serve as an “antidote” to the “poison”
Studies show that receiving a genuine apology can slow down our heart rate, lower our blood pressure, and alleviate cardiac stress. Good medicine indeed.
Be an empathetic listener. Practice paying close attention when someone is speaking to you, and take the time to understand what the person is saying. This can often be done by reflecting back some of their statements to them, to reinforce that you have gotten the point and that they are being heard.
Share the spotlight. When someone is talking to you about a problem, keep the focus on them; avoid turning it into a discussion about an issue that you might be facing.
Stay calm. If you can, keep calm during discussions to ensure that they are constructive rather than destructive. If you aren’t able to stay calm in the moment, step back and ask to revisit the conversation later when you are in a better place.
Breathe Deeply & Diaphragmatically: Long, deep breaths through the nose and into the lower belly can help keep us steady and calm, it’s also one of the most effective tools we have for lowering cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
HALT. Remember the acronym HALT. When you are upset about something, first ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If so, "halt" in order to first address those needs, and then revisit the challenge.
Interact in person. Sometimes a stressful relationship can be made worse by social media. People may have more aggressive confrontations online than they do in person. Reducing time online encourages direct communication, either in person, by phone, or on video, which can often be far less contentious than words spoken from behind a keyboard, such as in text messages.
Emphasize the positive. Research increasingly supports associations between intentional practices of gratitude and positive mental health, which can extend to improved relationships. Such practices can include getting into the habit of writing down two or three specific things that you are grateful for each day. These things can include anything, including a positive interaction with a friend or partner. If so, don’t be shy about sharing it or making a point of expressing this appreciation to the person.
Creating Positive Change:
A Yogic perspective. If you feel that a relationship is chronically negative, that doesn’t mean you have to remove the person from your life, but you might want to consider making some changes. Through the yogic lens, we can take an honest look at how big our positive energy is vs how big their negative energy is. If we’re dealing with a person whose negative energy is much bigger than our positive energy, we can become very overwhelmed. For me personally, I choose to love those people from a distance as the overall risks are not worth it. If I consistently feel overwhelmed energetically after hang time with a specific person, I know it’s time to create some distance.
Creating boundaries. If there is a person in your life who is difficult, setting boundaries can help put the relationship back on track. You can be there for someone and still establish limits, so that the relationship isn’t so taxing. While burnout is common in caregiver relationships, it’s a feature of other relationships as well. For example, it may stem from a friendship with someone who is in constant need of emotional support, which may feel draining. Solve the issue by setting clear limits. If the friend calls with a problem, establish a time to discuss it, rather than always jumping the second he/she calls.